Who the fuck am I?
I've procrastinated on everything, made awful decisions, broken so many promises to myself and others, and done everything I could to fuck up my life, causing so much trouble to my mental, physical, and financial health.
This is a question I've been asking myself every day for the last few weeks. It's being featured again and again in my daily journal. I've faked it for so long that I've disconnected from reality. I've procrastinated on everything, made awful decisions, broken so many promises to myself and others, and done everything I could to fuck up my life, causing so much trouble to my mental, physical, and financial health.
When 2023 started, I made a promise to myself that I decided on my life not to break, and I've taken some drastic steps to make sure I don't break it.
As part of my trying to get out of this rut is asking myself every day, Who the fuck am I? and trying to answer it, reanswer it, answer it every day until I rebuild my identity to what I want it to be, piece by piece, every day.
Based on what got screwed up that day, I write about it in my journal, analyze it and then ask myself, who the fuck am I? So I can curse, call myself a loser, belittle, and do everything any sane psychologist will tell you not to do to yourself, but I believe for me the only way out of this rut is to burn myself down and then rise like a phoenix. This outlet of emotions lets me then calm down and answer who the fuck I want to be? And create an alternative persona that this is how I should have acted to ensure the screw-up didn't happen. The result? Maybe next time when I face the same possibilities, that day's journal's question of who the fuck am I will be answered differently, that I am who I want to be.